


Could It Be?

by bambam1a



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Luke and Ashton are twins btw, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Soulmate Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-07 04:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3160805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambam1a/pseuds/bambam1a
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It's terrible being awake and seeing it happen but knowing you can't do anything”, Calum said and tried to fight back the tears. Ashton wanted to cry too because he didn't want to see Calum in such a pain. He loved Calum and he wanted to just kiss him and tell him that fuck that soulmate, I'm better than them anyways. But it wasn't true. Ashton wasn't better than anyone and they couldn't just ignore the soulmate system. And Calum wouldn't like him back anyways because he was just a fucked up boy who caused pain to his soulmate by harming himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <i>or the one where your soulmate's injuries appear to your skin too</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Could It Be?

**Author's Note:**

> helloo i'm here with new one shot! This time some Cashton because i love this pairing!  
> It was like the hardest thing to come up with title and summary to this so hi if it caught your attention anyways!
> 
> **Note:** 28.11.2015 i edited some parts of this a bit
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own 5 Seconds of Summer and this is FICTION.

They were having lunch, 'they' being Ashton, his twin brother Luke and their best friends Michael and Calum. Ashton was looking down on his tray as he listened to Calum telling about the new cuts that decorated his wrists today.  
The cuts aren't, in fact, inflicted by Calum. It was the soulmate system which made your soulmates injuries appear in your body too. Another soulmate thing was their name appearing to your wrist somewhere between the ages fourteen and eighteen. Soulmates got their tattoos always at the same time, the day was random and no one could predict when they were getting their tattoo.

Sometimes Ashton felt like such a hypocrite when Calum was rubbing his teary eyes and asking “how could someone do that to themselves?”  
Ashton always tried to comfort Calum and say things like “I don't understand it either Calum” or “I don't know Cal.”  
Ashton did understand Calum's soulmate. Sometimes life was just too hard to cope that's why Ashton's own cuts littered his wrists. But, to be honest, sometimes Ashton was mad at Calum's soulmate too. How could someone put Calum through something like that? But then again, Ashton was a hypocrite thinking that because he was putting his soulmate through the exact same. But Ashton cared about Calum, maybe more than he should admit, and he tried to hide the guilt and just hate Calum's soulmate. 

At the moment Calum was showing the new cuts to Michael and Luke, he was almost crying and desperately trying to ask help from his friends. Ashton felt his chest tighten. Someone out there was Calum's soulmate and when they'll finally meet the other person will have Calum caring about them so much. Ashton wanted to have that, Ashton wanted Calum to be his soulmate and care about him. 

“It's terrible being awake and seeing it happen but knowing you can't do anything”, Calum said and tried to fight back the tears. Ashton wanted to cry too because he didn't want to see Calum in such a pain. He loved Calum and he wanted to just kiss him and tell him that fuck that soulmate, I'm better than them anyways. But it wasn't true. Ashton wasn't better than anyone and they couldn't just ignore the soulmate system. And Calum wouldn't like him back anyways.  
“You'll meet them someday Calum, then you can help them”, Luke tried to comfort Calum but the darker boy just sighed.  
“But what if it's too late”, Calum whispered.  
“They're fucking selfish Calum! They aren't thinking about you at all, they don't care how you feel about them harming themselves so fuck your soulmate!” Michael said angrily and slammed his fist on the table. He was sick of seeing Calum in pain because of his soulmate.  
“Michael!” Luke gasped and gaped at his soulmate, yes Michael and Luke were soulmates. Calum was glaring at Michael too but Ashton was kind of on Michael's side.  
“Fuck you Michael”, Calum mumbled and started eating his food. Michael looked at Luke and shrugged, he was gonna hear about this when they were alone. 

Ashton zoned out as Luke and Calum contined talking.  
Did his soulmate hate him? Did they think that Ashton was selfish because he was harming himself? Ashton often felt really guilty about causing pain to his soulmate, but he just can't not cut himself. It had become his lifeline, it helped with the anxiety and panic attacks.  
No one knew about his anxiety and he only had had two panic attacks in front of someone so it wasn't bad. Once he had panic attack because Luke dragged him to the beach with their friends, Ashton hadn't wanted to go and had had panic attack in the car. Let's just say after that Luke hadn't forced him to go to the beach anymore. And the other panic attack he had in amusement park, after they got off one of the roller coasters. It had caused a scene and Ashton was sure it was one of the worst days of his life. Usually if he was about to have a panic attack he could feel it and had time to lock himself in the bathroom so no one saw him.

His cuts were itching under his sweater and he tried to scratch them through it. He always felt terribly quitly about his own cuts when he saw Calum showing his to them. Ashton's arms were full of cuts and scars, many of them faded away but a lot of them were noticeable and red. Ashton was happy that at least his soulmate's cuts and scars wouldn't look as bad as his own because they were just soulmate injuries. They faded more and most disappeared fully over time. 

Ashton sighed as the bell rang signaling that the lunch period was over. He stood up with his friends and took his tray. His heartbeat immediately got faster and his chest tightened more as he followed the other boys to the trash can and then out of the cafeteria. Sweat was making his back wet and he tried to be as small as possible as he walked next to his twin. He hated this, he hated his everyday anxiety which made his life so much harder. He had to skip things like going to the mall or to the movies just because he felt too anxious to do anything. He always had to make up excuses and he hated lying to his friends and family.  
“You okay?” Luke asked as he noticed his twin's panicked look. Ashton nodded and smiled, Luke didn't notice that it was a bit forced.  
“Yeah, I'm fine”, Ashton said and ran his fingers through his hair. He glanced at Calum who was walking behind them with Michael. He looked still upset about his soulmate and Michael was currently trying to apologize about what he had said earlier. These were the moments when Ashton felt such hatred towards Calum's soulmate, these moments when Calum looked so sad and lost. Ashton was so close to going and hugging him and telling that everything's alright. But he couldn't. 

He turned to look forward again and almost bumped into someone. He gasped and quickly apologized before walking away fast. His heartbeat increased again, if it was possible to be faster. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ He repeated those words in his head and tried to avoid bumping into more people. He was a bit out of breath, his hands were shaking and he was sweating like crazy. _Shit._  
He quickly mumbled to Luke that he was going to the toilet before running away to the nearest toilet and locking himself in one of the cubicles. He sat on the toilet lid and tried to fan himself with his hand. He covered his mouth with his other hand so he wouldn't let out any noises, just in case if someone else walked in. When the panic took over tears rolled down his cheeks and he squeezed his eyes shut. He was trying to breathe correctly and slowly through his nose. When it didn't work and he was getting dizzy because of the lack of oxygen he had to let his hand fall on his lap and just let out gasps and hope that no one would walk in.  
He was ten minutes late from the class but none of his friends were there so he didn't have to explain anything to them.

\- - - - / / / - - - -

Later that night Ashton was alone in his and Luke's room. His twin had gone out with Michael, to the movies probably. Ashton was curled up in his bed and his school books sparwled around him. He had been trying to do his homework but he couldn't concentrate and he was anxious because he was gonna have to keep a presentation in front of the whole class tomorrow. He hadn't even started the presentation yet, he tried once but ended up crying. He knew he'd end up in trouble if he won't go to the class tomorrow, but he's not going. During the past two years of high school Ashton has not kept at least half of the presentations he had had to. And the other half he has kept had been really terrible, stuttering, forgetting words and all that.

Ashton threw his books on the floor and bit his bottom lip. He needed release.  
He went to the bathroom and locked the door after him. No one was home but he wasn't gonna risk anything. He took his blades from the cabinet and sat on the toilet lid. His hand was shaking as he pressed it against his wrist, between all the old cuts and scars. He dragged the blade across his wrist and let out a quiet hiss, he was almost used to the pain but it always stung a bit. He looked up and flinched when he saw his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were red and new tears were leaking from his eyes. Why was he such a fuck up? With a sniffled he dragged other line next to the previous one. He littered his skin with ten new cuts, which were bleeding heavily.  
He stared at the cuts and blood which was painting his skin red. His forearms were full of ugly red cuts, both upper and lower sides. He had been doing this for over a year now and there was barely any skin left that wasn't destroyed already. If he ever was able to stop he'd still have those ugly reminders of how weak and fucked up he was.

He stood up and tried not to get the blood anywhere as he went to the sink to wash it away. He took some badages from his cabinet, he hid them behind other stuff so no one would question them. He quickly wrapped them around his bleeding arm and pulled his sleeve down.  
Guilty feeling immediately filled him as he sat back on his bed. He thought about his soulmate who was now probably shocked about the new deep cuts on his left wrist. _What have I done?_ He wiped away the tears from his cheeks and pressed his hands against his eyes to prevent new tears from falling. He knew his soulmate didn't deserve this, they didn't deserve going through the same pain as Ashton did. But what could Ashton do? There was no way he could harm himself without harming his soulmate. When he'd finally meet his soulmate he'd apologize, he'd never stop apologizing. Because _they don't deserve this._

Ashton flinched when his phone started ringing. He took it and cleared his throat before answering.  
“Hi?”  
“Hey Ash...” Calum stared quietly. Ashton frowned.  
“What's wrong?”  
“I just wanted to talk. I tried calling you a few minutes ago but you weren't answering. Couldn't call to Luke or Mikey either because they're in the movies”, Calum chuckled but sounded upset.  
“My soulmate did it again Ash”, Calum then said and Ashton went quiet.  
“I'm sorry”, Ashton said even thoug he didn't know what he was apologizing for. He just didn't know what to say.  
“I don't know what to do Ashton! I can't just wait until I get the damn name on my wrist, and even then it could take ages until I find them!” Calum said and let out a sad sigh in the end.  
“I don't know either Calum. You just have to wait...” Ashton said and maybe his voice sounded a bit too sad. He didn't like to talk about soulmates with Calum mainly because he wanted to be Calum's soulmate.  
“I know...” Calum sighed. They kept talking and Ashton found it hard to comfort Calum because he didn't want to seem too obvious with his crush and he didn't wanna seem too angry with Calum's soulmate either.  
“You're really good friend Ashton. If this soulmate thing didn't exists I'd date you”, Calum said and chuckled, it obviously was a joke but Ashton still almost choked on his saliva.  
“We'd go on double dates with Luke and Michael”, Ashton laughed, it was forced though. Calum's words made his heart hurt even more and now he just wanted to hang up and start crying. Calum obviously didn't like him more than a friend, not that Ashton didn't already know it, if he just joked about them dating like that.  
“But I-I need to go now”, Ashton stuttered and forced out a chuckle as well. He hung up quickly after and buried his face on his pillow. He was hurt and for stupid reasons. He knew there was no way he could be in a relationship with Calum.

\- - - - / / / - - - -

Two weeks after his and Ashton's phone call Calum woke up with his wrist tingling. He groaned and rolled around a bit, it was Friday and the last school day of the week but still getting up didn't sound any fun. He was just about to fall asleep when he registered the tingling again. Could it be? He shot up and brought his wrist to his face and, yes, there was with bold black letters the name. _Ashton._ Calum's hard leapt to his throat and then he frowned. He knew one Ashton, one Ashton who he has had a crush on for over two years. Could it be? Calum really hoped it was his best friend who had Calum's written on their wrist at the moment too. But then it hit him. If this was Ashton, it meant that all the scars on his arms were Ashton's. Calum was speechless and didn't even want to think about Ashton having all the scars that were on his own wrists too, but Ashton would have the real ones. It made Calum shudder and he took his phone and immediately dialed Ashton's number. He needed to find out, right now.

Ashton didn't answer. Calum was a bit disappointed and the discomfort in his stomach just grew as he dialed Luke's number. Fortunately this twin answered and Calum spilled out everything. Luke was as shocked as Calum, neither of them liked much about the idea that Ashton has been harming himself right under their noses and they have not noticed anything. But of course there was a chance that it was not Ashton, but it didn't really make Calum feel any better. Sure their Ashton would be fine then, but Calum would have another Ashton to be worried about. Secretly Calum still hoped that the tattoo on his wrist meant their Ashton. One of his best friends. Luke's twin. "But Calum, if it really is him... How can we possibly not have noticed anything? How have we been so blind?!" Luke whispered and he was right. Someone should've noticed something.   
Luke had informed Calum that Ashton had been showering the whole time they had been speaking and it didn't seem like he was coming out any time soon. Luke promised to ask Ashton about the tattoo and then text him, or rather make Ashton call him.

\- - - - / / / - - - -

When Ashton had woken up with his soulmate tattoo he had immediately rushed to the bathroom and vomited in the toilet bowl. He was shocked. No, he was beyond shocked and also very terrified. He had wanted this, to be able to be with Calum. But this also meant that he knew, and Luke would know, and Michael. He gagged one more time before flushing the toilet and starting to brush his teeth. His hands were shaking and heart racing. His wrist read Calum. With big bold letters, _Calum_.  
He quickly went back to the bedroom to get some clothes before getting back to the bathroom to take a shower. He was shaking so much and his breathing was getting quicker and quicker. He soon couldn't even stand up and that was how he ended up having a panic attack in the shower.

When he was done with showering and had changed his clothes he went to get his phone from his bed. Luke was already awake and he looked a bit shaken. Ashton raised his eyebrows but before Luke had time to say anything Ashton was out of the door. He went downstairs to get some breakfast and could hear the rest of the family getting up.  
“Ash, um, Calum called”, Luke started when he ten minutes later walked in the kitchen too. Ashton flinched and looked at his twin.  
“Yeah?” he choked out.  
“Luke! Come here!” their mom called and Ashton let out a relieved sigh when Luke frowned and left the room. After that Ashton avoided Luke the whole morning as best as he could so the other boy wouldn't have a chance to ask about his tattoo. He knew it was about that, what else would it be about? Ashton even went as far as leaving for school before Luke. 

But of course it was just his luck that Luke with Calum and Michael cornered him at his locker before the first class. So far he had been able to avoid Calum and Michael too, who Calum and Luke had talked about this of course.  
“Ashton hi”, Michael spoke as they appeared around Ashton. They made it seem normal but Ashton knew they were just trying to prevent him from running away.  
“Hi”, he said and forced on his best fake smile.  
“Um, I don't know what to say so I'm going straight to the point,” Calum started and Ashton nodded hesitantly.  
“I got my soulmate tattoo last night and it says 'Ashton' and I wanted to know do you have yours?” Calum spoke, he sounded a bit scared and nervous.  
“Ummm,” Ashton mumbled and played with his sleeves.  
“Yeah, I got mine”, he finally said. There was no point lying because they'd demand seeing his wrist anyways.  
“And?”  
“It says 'Calum'”, Ashton admitted. He was sure Luke was about to pass out but leaned on the locker. Michael gasped too and Calum looked terrified. Ashton didn't have to think twice to guess what they were thinking about. The cuts.  
“Let me see”, Calum said and Ashton didn't know if he wanted to see the tattoo or cuts. He let him anyways, they knew so his secret was out already. No point hiding anymore. He felt his seconds panic attack of the day coming but tried to force it back as long as possible. 

Calum pushed Ashton's both sleeves up, his right hand was bandaged but left one wasn't. First thing Calum noticed was the multiple scars and red cuts, the same as he had but way worse looking. Second thing he noticed was his own name. Ashton was starting to shake even more and he felt like he couldn't breathe. His legs were gonna collapse soon and then he'd be having a panic attack in the middle of the school corridor. He didn't want that.  
“I-I need to go to the toilet”, Ashton stuttered and they all sent him confused look. He stumbled forwards and tried to push past Calum, but the other boy was having none of that. He took Ashton's hand and pulled him to the nearest toilet, Luke and Michael following. 

Ashton collapsed on his knees gasping for air and Calum kneeled next to him.  
“What's going on? What is wrong?” he asked and Ashton just shook his head. Then Luke kneeled on his other side and said something like: “He's having a panic attack, he's had like two of these before.”  
When the attack was finally over Ashton found himself in Luke's arms, his cheek pressed on Luke's chest and Luke's other arm on his head and other one on his waist.  
“You okay?” he asked and Ashton nodded.  
“It's nothing new”, he mumbled and Calum helped him up.  
“Nothing new? What do you mean?” Luke asked. Michael had been standing near the door but now he took a few steps closer and wrapped his arms around Luke's waist.  
“I get panic attacks on a daily basis... Like, almost every day”, Ashton shrugged. He glanced down and noticed that his sleeves were still up and cuts still visible to everyone. He traced his fingers over the scars on his left arms and sighed.  
“I'm sorry Calum. I'm so so sorry”, he said and his voice cracked.  
“I hated your soulmate because of what they were doing to you and, god, it was me all along. Michael was right I-I'm selfish a-and...”  
“Ashton”, Calum whispered and pulled the other boy in hug. Michael was looking pained as well.  
“I'm sorry Ashton, about what I said that one time about Calum's soulmate.. About you”, Michael said and Ashton just nodded. He wasn't mad at Michael, the red haired boy had been right. 

After they were done with all the 'we can help you now' and 'you need help' and 'just talk to us' Calum finally smiled at Ashton.  
“But you know what,”  
“I'm so glad you're my soulmate, because I wasn't joking when I said I'd date you if the soulmate system didn't exist”, Calum smiled and Ashton's heart skipped a beat. For the first time in a long time he had a real smile on his face as he looked up to Calum, who was still holding him by the way.  
“Just kiss already”, Michael said and Luke elbowed him. Calum chuckled and leaned in to press their lips together. Michael whistled and Luke elbowed him again but grinned anyways. 

When Ashton felt Calum's lips on his he felt so happy, it felt so right. He had been wanting this for so long and never even knew it was possible. But it was, Calum was his and he was Calum's. He still had his problems to deal with, but at least he had someone with him now.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment and leave kudos. xx


End file.
